Muhyiddin’s Super guide to being an ISA assemblyman (here’s looking at you Mano)

It is a dead tiring Tuesday night, and the only thing, the only thing that stands between me and that bed of mine is this niggling thought about what deputy prime minister Muhyiddin Yassin said in the New Straits Times today.

I mean the deputy prime minister if he was not just being cute, was hilarious, when he said ISA was not a good enough reason for politicians to not fulfil their political obligations as elected representatives — circa Kota Alam Shah assemblyman M Manoharan in Kamunting under government assisted extended retreated in the north.

So here we go, what we think would be Muhyiddin’s guide to serving while in ISA or The super duper Johor Umno philosophical guide to serving your ecstatic electorate during your stint in federal penitentiary.

10. Crossover to BN

Then you will miraculously found to be a true nationalist who was just impetuous in your honest desire to serve your people, which you will now, thanks to your sudden elevation to better society. Someone has to buy the Armani suits once Samy retires.

9. Map to success

Print maps, good maps. All constituents needing consultation with Mano, will be given accurate maps on how to get to Kamunting to visit him and seek advice. Both cheap and expensive (but quick) options will be laid out.

8. Write random complaints

Everyday compose random letters, about random problems in Kota Alam Shah to random federal government agencies, and in all likelihood those random complaints are true. Serve randomly, but effectively for your people.

7. Use google earth

Assemblymen watch over their constituency. With careful print-outs of your constituency using google earth, you will literally watch over your people daily.

6. Write a song

Look like all hopeless situations, not unlike the Irish waiting for transportation to the New World, you can write a song, and that will be carried on for generations. Come on, anything can beat RTM’s “Cinta IT”

5. Hire a psychic

Everyday Master Gumbazini, with divine gypsy powers of a lost tribe from Romania that settled in Chennai will speak in Kota Alam Shah as the true voice of Manoharan. It is written in the stars.

4. Use a doppelganger

For years Saddam evaded the law, the west and the wives using this look a likes. Mano can find some Malayalee who looks like him. The police in the Selangor State Assembly won’t know. For them all South Indians look alike. And you get to speak in the dewan finally.

3. Get a facebook account

It probably solves most problems for political detainee. You create a sense of presence without actually ever being around. A good profile pic, probably one involving you, five guards, wires and a car battery would work a charm.

2. Just go broke, kill a licenced cow or die

Be a genuine natural contender to lose your seat (which is being a bankrupt, convicted of a crime or die); run your business to the ground so you are a bankrupt, or commit a crime like wearing a Hindraf shirt then get convicted, or oh yes yes, steal your legal clients’ funds while wearing a Hindraf shirt. Failing that, just die. If you will it, it may happen. Then you are no ISAed elected representative, just a dead one.

1. Chill

All BN representatives don’t have to think about the way they vote in Parliament or in state assemblies, in fact they can’t even speak their minds. So adopt their attitude. Get all the privilege of being an assemblyman without working. Hey, is that not how senior Umno men succeed in business?

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